Dave Portnoy Threatens Legal Action Against Satan For Violating Contract After Patriots Super Bowl Loss

BOSTON — Barstool Sports founder Dave Portnoy announced late Sunday night that he is “exploring all legal options,” including litigation against Satan himself, after the New England Patriots failed to secure another Super Bowl victory — a result Portnoy described as a “clear breach of a long-standing, mutually beneficial arrangement.”

“I know ball and I know Baal,” Portnoy said during a furious livestream. “And both don’t lie.”

According to Portnoy, the relationship dates back to the early 2000s, a period that coincidentally featured unprecedented Boston sports dominance alongside the unlikely rise of Barstool Sports from a free newspaper to a media empire fueled by rage, pizza, and vibes.

“For two decades, things worked perfectly,” Portnoy explained. “Titles kept coming, curses disappeared, and my business grew exponentially. You’re telling me that’s random? Please. I’m not an idiot.”

Historians and internet sleuths were quick to note the timeline:

• Patriots dynasty begins
• Red Sox reverse the Curse of the Bambino
• Celtics and Bruins join the party
• Barstool Sports ascends from a metro paper to a cultural force

“And now suddenly,” Portnoy continued, “the Patriots lose, the vibes are off, and nobody in authority will return my calls? That’s not football. That’s contract law.”

Sources close to the situation say Portnoy believes the agreement was simple: continued Boston sports success in exchange for “content, chaos, and unwavering belief in destiny.” While no written contract has surfaced, Portnoy insists the terms were “clearly implied” and “spiritually binding.”

“You don’t accidentally dominate all four major sports for 20 years,” he said. “That’s not analytics. That’s alignment.”

Portnoy was rumored to bring on infamous attorney Alan Dershowitz to represent his case vs. Satan, but representees from the lawyer's camp said that would be impossible.

"Not going to happen," the source stated. "We respect Mr. Portnoy and the way he goes about his hate, but Mr. Dershowitz has been in the vicinity of The Prince Of Darkness for decades now. It would be a clear conflict of interest."

Representatives for Satan declined to comment.